Life Lately: A Back to School Update and Reflections on Changing Your Mind in Parenting ✨
No. 29 - August 2024
Hi friends! This newsletter is (usually) a monthly-ish round-up of life things - what I'm enjoying, reading, learning, buying, doing, thinking about, and more. Today, I’m sharing a recent story and reflecting on growing, stretching, and evolving in parenting.
A few weeks ago, the girls started school. School starts so early here in Nashville - the first week of August. I remember growing up and school starting in late August and I know that others begin school after Labor Day, but..anyway! Lucy started first grade at the same local public school she attended for kindergarten and Winnie started at the same school for the first time, in their Pre-K classroom. Before attending public school, the girls both attended a ‘Parents Day Out’ (PDO) program in our neighborhood. They both started there two days/ week at 18 months old and eventually attended four days/week for years.
While the transition to kindergarten last year was emotional the first few weeks (for all involved), Lucy blossomed and thrived in her class and at her school. We were grateful for an extra special kindergarten teacher, small class sizes, an arts-focused, diverse environment, a great group of friends, and overall, a wonderful school experience for her. This year, we walked her into first grade while tons of peers, teachers, and staff greeted and hugged her and it all felt just right - she fits in here and loves school.
This year, we decided to have Winnie move from the PDO Pre-K classroom to the Metro Nashville Public Schools (MNPS) Pre-K program at Lucy’s school. We loved the idea of both girls going to the same school, with fewer dropoffs and pickups, and thought it would be a good transition for her from her PDO program to kindergarten.
We anticipated some resistance from her - she’s a bit more cautious overall and is much more of a homebody - but it was a really rough few first days. She cried getting dropped off each morning, which was heartbreaking. I know it’s quite common for kids to cry at school dropoff, especially for the first time or in a new environment, but it wasn’t…getting better. We talked with her teachers and the principal, we read books about school, we sang songs about being brave, we affirmed and encouraged her and did all the things. I think what made us start to rethink our decision was seeing her anxious about school. We, of course, want school to be a place she loves and wants to be, instead of dreading being there. But she would cry most mornings before we left, saying she didn’t want to go, and every night before bed would be up for an hour or more crying, worried about the next day. It truly broke my mama heart and both E and I were struggling trying to figure out what to do.
On one hand, we teach and talk about bravery, resilience, doing hard things, etc. with our kids all the time. We don’t shy away from new experiences and try to prioritize being out of our comfort zone. We think this is an important skill for kids (and adults) to learn and a huge way to grow. We’ve never really opted the girls out of doing something just because it’s hard or ‘they don’t want to.’ But on the other hand, she’s four and in the middle of a LOT of life transitions (school year, new baby coming, moving back into our house, and more), all within a few weeks. This doesn’t need to be a life lesson. This doesn’t need to be something she has to stick it out just because we wanted it to work out. It could just be something we tried, something we ultimately decided wasn’t the right fit for Winnie this year, and something we decided to pivot on. AND THAT’S OKAY.
After two weeks, we opted to withdraw her and re-enroll her at her Parent’s Day Out program this week. We’ve seen a huge shift already - she’s so much more calm and excited and comfortable and it’s a massive relief. I think ultimately with all the life/family changes happening outside of her four-year-old control, we want her to feel comfortable and for school to feel like a soft landing spot for her. We’re opting for prioritizing comfort, stability, and consistency in this season.
Next year, when she starts kindergarten, ‘going to school’ isn’t something we will change our minds on. But Pre-K is not a requirement and is not something she HAS to do. Many, many kids don’t start any school or daycare program until kindergarten and adjust to school just fine. Lucy did the PDO program up until starting kindergarten (at age 5.5) and transitioned beautifully to her public school. We feel confident Winnie will be a lot more ready for ‘big kid school’ next year and at peace with where we landed.
It’s been an emotional whiplash couple of weeks, and as usual, writing out my experiences has helped a lot. Here are a few reflections I wanted to share:
Each child is unique and different. It’s so important to meet each of their individual needs, rather than bundle them together or assume what works for one child will work for both. Just like I’m so different than my three sisters, Lucy and Winnie are different children and it’s our responsibility as their parents to meet them where they are individually.
You can always change your mind. If something isn’t a good fit for your child, you can always pivot and adjust and find something that feels more aligned with what your needs are in that season. There are so many decisions - including where you send your child to school/daycare - that you do not need to be permanent. It’s good to be flexible and take things as they come, especially knowing our kids’ needs may evolve in different seasons or circumstances.
Tune out other people’s perceptions of your choices. As a recovering people pleaser, I have to actively ‘turn off’ wondering what other people may think of me and my decisions. There may be some people who disagree or wouldn’t make the same decision, and that’s okay. What they do or think of us is not my concern.
Look how far you’ve come. This is something we talk about with the girls a lot - taking a moment to look at yourself in this moment and acknowledge how much you’ve grown or changed. A different version of myself would have emotionally spiraled over this decision - beat myself up over why it didn’t work out and what I could or should have done differently, shamed myself by wondering what other people would think, etc. There was none of that here. We felt confident and at peace in our choice - and I’m proud of that and how I’ve grown as a parent over the years.
Trust yourself as a parent. Whether it’s ‘trusting your gut’, listening to your intuition, or just being in tune with your child’s emotional needs - you know your kiddo best. What a responsibility and what a privilege.
This experience has reminded me of a few other a-ha moments I’ve had in the six and a half years of parenting and I related to something I wrote last year about ‘softening’ in motherhood. Originally shared here, but I’ve included an excerpt below:
But now that I’m a little further along in my motherhood journey, I’m seeing another way.
The way of trusting myself, rather than attempting to do exactly what worked for someone else. The way of following my child’s lead, rather than trying to mold them to do what I desire. The way of being radically gentle with myself, rather than shame spiraling and feeling like a failure. The way of acknowledging ‘this is hard right now and I don’t have the answers, but we can and will get through this’, rather than trying to prove or achieve something.
The way of being softer.
Children are not equations to solve or robots to program to do exactly what we want or expect in a given moment. They are unique, complex and precious humans entrusted in our care that we have the privilege of learning from and growing with. There certainly isn’t a one size fits all approach to this whole parenting thing.
In case you needed the gentle reminder — we are allowed to change the way we show up and parent. We can make new choices. We don’t have to do it the way we did it before or because it worked that way for someone else. We can trust ourselves. We can evolve. We’re allowed to be softer.
I also feel so grateful to be married to someone very much ‘in it’ with me as we made this decision and is such an involved, present, and wonderful dad. He approached it from a more rational and less emotional perspective than I did, but we arrived at the same conclusion for what was best. And also for my parents, sisters, and a couple of dear friends who encouraged me as we were making the decision (and afterward). It’s refreshing to be seen and validated when you’re struggling to make a decision like this! I think sometimes it’s easier to be compassionate to others than to myself, and I felt surrounded and cared for by people who showered me with compassion and encouragement over this choice. Here are a few messages that lifted me recently. 💛
*Note: This decision is based on Winnie and our unique circumstances alone, and not at all a critique of the school or MNPS Pre-K in general. I know so many families who’ve had wonderful experiences there, and personally strongly believe in and advocate for the importance of public education (including for kids ages 3-4). We will be sending her back to public school for kindergarten.
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