Hi friends! This newsletter is (usually) a round-up of life things - what I'm enjoying, reading, learning, buying, doing, thinking about, and more. But today's newsletter format is a bit different - I'm just going to dive into one specific vulnerable topic that feels emotionally tender right now. It's not really a fun topic to share about, and honestly, sharing it makes me feel exposed and even (hate to say it) embarrassed. But I'm trying to lean into the uncomfortable feelings, knowing that writing is a therapeutic way to process my life experiences, and sharing with others usually makes me feel less alone.
Thank you for listening, holding space for me and my feelings/experience, and if you're up for it, sharing in the comments or by emailing me back!
The summer before my junior year of high school, I tried out for the varsity cheerleading squad. After tryouts, I remember anxiously waiting around all day before eagerly going to the high school to find out if I made the cut. You know how it goes - there's a sign taped to the door showing a list of different teams/squads, and…your name is on it or it's not.
My name was not on the list, and I remember my heart sinking. While I did make the JV team that year, I tangibly remember the feeling of rejection. 16-year-old me immediately felt not good enough and that I was somehow ’less than’ my peers. There was an "in" group in my head, and I was now in the "not in" group.
Rejection is tricky. Not only do we feel left out, it goes even deeper. We feel not accepted, not approved of, or not good enough. It's so easy to go down the slippery slope of connecting our rejection to our value or self-worth.
Being told no after you've put yourself out there is an uncomfortable feeling. Feeling left out - a form of social rejection - is super uncomfortable and does not feel good. They both are related to the feeling of a (lack of) belonging. There's even evidence that the pain of being excluded is not so different from the pain of physical injury. No wonder it's such a painful experience!
Fast forward 18 years… the wound of not making the varsity cheerleading squad is well behind me. But recently, I’ve had some experiences that made me feel left out or rejected, and it’s led me to reflect on past moments of rejection, being left out, and the associated feelings that come with it. And I can’t help but be reminded of that disappointed sixteen-year-old girl in front of the school gym doors.
I remember being in my early 20s in SF. My cute, charming friends were dating their cute boyfriends, and I was painfully single. Beyond that, we’d go out, and they were constantly being hit on, and I was not getting that kind of attention.
I remember the times over the years when I applied for a job and didn’t get an interview or was declined for a role I wanted. I remember elementary school when I was chosen last in a game at recess. I remember junior high when only the ‘popular girls’ got invited to the sleepover, and I wasn’t on that list. I remember the college acceptance letters that never came, the scholarships I was turned down for.
I remember being new to Nashville and how hard it was to make friends in a new city. I remember finding out that two of my new (only) friends were hanging out in a big group but didn’t extend the invite to us. Maybe they forgot, but it’s hard not to wonder if they intentionally left me out. This is certainly not the only example of feeling excluded in friend groups, and I know this is a common way that many of us feel rejected or left out. Social rejection is a challenging experience.
Earlier this year, we entered the ‘school choice lottery’ to get Lucy into the public elementary school right around the corner from our house. She was waitlisted and ultimately didn’t get in. This rejection felt extra tricky for me to process, because it involved my child and I was already feeling super vulnerable about starting a new phase of life (with Lucy starting kindergarten).
Just this week, I found out that I didn’t get into a holiday market that I was looking forward to attending as a vendor for my Moroccan textile shop. I’ve been a vendor at the same market four times, but this year, I was waitlisted. This market has been a massive success for my business for the past two years, so it’s a bummer to know I won’t have that exposure/sales this year.
I don’t think I’m the only one who has felt rejected in one way or another and wanted to share a few things that have helped in my journey of processing some recent rejections.
TIPS & REMINDERS WHEN YOU FEEL REJECTED OR LEFT OUT ✨
ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS. No matter what your feeling is - it’s valid. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to be sad. It’s even okay to be mad. Try to avoid denying your emotions or minimizing your experience. Sit in the discomfort of all the feelings and honor them.
GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD. For me, this usually looks like writing (aka this newsletter!). Another way for me to get it out of my head is to tell someone. For me, that often looks like texting my sisters and mom and saying hey, I’m feeling bummed out by XYZ rejection and just wanted you to know and talking to my husband about it. Getting the feelings out of my head and into words - whether written or spoken to people who love me - really helps.
CONSIDER A SOCIAL MEDIA BREAK. This is important, especially if you tend to get FOMO or are feeling left out. Mindless scrolling or being bombarded with photos from an experience you were left out of never makes you feel better.
REMEMBER THE ‘RULE OF 5.’ If it won’t matter in five years, don’t let it consume you for more than five minutes. An IG follower shared this with me, and I love this perspective!
AVOID JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS (OR TAKING IT PERSONALLY). This doesn’t always apply to all types of rejection, but in many instances - the rejection is not personal. The school choice process is a (supposedly random) lottery - it has NOTHING to do with me or Lucy. The market I didn’t get into had a record number of applications and is looking for new vendors to keep the market fresh. Many times, social exclusion happens by mistake. Employers get hundreds, if not thousands, of applicants for new jobs. It’s essential not to take the rejection personally, jump to conclusions, and, most importantly, not connect your value or worth to the rejection.
SELF-REFLECT. Again, this one doesn’t apply to all types of rejection. But in some instances, it’s helpful to do a bit of self-reflection to understand why you may have been left out or rejected - and figure out if there are things you might want to do differently in the future. Sometimes, there’s nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome. But taking time to self-reflect ultimately helps the rejection have a softer landing.
BE OPEN TO THE POSSIBILITIES THAT MIGHT UNFOLD BECAUSE OF THE REJECTION. Or, as my sister said, “Rejection is redirection.”
In 2019, I applied for an adjunct professor position at Nashville State Community College and didn’t even get an interview. But guess what? In 2021, I became an adjunct professor at my alma mater, Ohio University. And next year, I will be an adjunct professor at Belmont University! I’ll be teaching in person and have the opportunity to create a specialized course from scratch that is aligned with my work experience. Both of these opportunities feel a lot more rewarding, knowing I was initially turned down / rejected.
My daughter didn’t get into our initial top-choice school, but we’ve been so happy with the school she goes to now. She’s thriving, her teacher is lovely, her class size is small and diverse, and there’s a fantastic art program - among other wonderful things. And most importantly of all, she LOVES it there. What initially felt like rejection made space for a different school home that felt right for Lucy and our family.
I didn’t have a lot of dating prospects in my 20s, but maybe that created space for meeting Eric at just the right time. I didn’t make the varsity cheerleading squad, but I had a blast on the junior varsity squad that year and made great friends and hilarious memories. I wasn’t accepted into a holiday market I wanted to attend, but perhaps something else will unfold for my shop or me that weekend. I’m open to the possibility. ✨
REMEMBER THAT SOMETIMES REJECTION IS PART OF THE PROCESS. Especially as it comes to work-related rejection…this is a helpful reminder. I’d argue even more so if you’re an entrepreneur. We must keep going, trying, and putting ourselves out there. Often times, after the dust settles, we can take that rejection and allow it to motivate or drive us towards our next goal.
LEAN INTO GRATITUDE. To be clear, I’m not advocating for the whole toxic positivity ‘everything is fine!’ mindset. But when I’m feeling down about being rejected or left out, I always try to take time to acknowledge the good things in my life. Yes, the disappointment and hurt feelings from rejection are authentic and valid, but many other things are SO good and worth being thankful for.
Thanks again for listening! I love hearing from you so always feel free to shoot me a note! ❤️
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PAST NEWSLETTERS
No. 19 - The Back to School Issue (August 2023)
No. 18 - Life Lately & On Being Outside of Your Comfort Zone (July 2023)
No. 17 - Life Lately & On Prioritizing Joy (May 2023)
No. 16 - Life Lately & On Feeling Vulnerable (March 2023)
No. 15 - Life Lately & A Personal Question (January 2023)
No. 13 - September 2022 (The Travel Issue)